FADE IN:
int. david’s bedroom - day.
DAVID - 18, short and baby-faced, is in his room packing, when his mother, LINDA - 49, pretty and sweet-looking, walks in.
linda
David, honey, are you ready to go?
david
I just need to say goodbye to my room. I’m going to be away from it for so long.
David opens the drawer of his night table and takes out a baby tooth.
david
Look, it’s the first tooth I lost.
linda
Boy, the way it’s decomposed so perfectly really justifies the $200 I put under your pillow for it.
David picks up a ribbon from his side table.
david
Aww, look at this. A participation award from my 8th grade science fair.
linda
Your project was so wonderful, it couldn’t be ranked.
david
Oh, and look, my senior prom pictures!
The camera zooms in on the prom picture. It shows David and his mom posing happily while his date is off to the side, pushed off and slightly angry.
david
I’ve had so many great memories in this room. I remember my very first night in it, when we first moved here, after you told me you were going to get to raise me all by yourself…
LINDA
(interrupting him)
I’m very happy to hear that, sweetie.
david
I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t go to college. Maybe I should just stay here and work my way up at ShopRite. Everyone always says their bread looks best when I’m their bagboy.
LINDA
Absolutely not. You are the brightest kid in this entire town, and I won’t let you waste your life away packing people’s pork chops. You may have had a good life here, but you’re going to go college, you’re going to find people who fall in love with you just as much as everyone here has, and you’re going to have the best four years of your life. Until the four years after that.
david
You’re right, Mom. You’re always right!
linda
That’s why they made me a mom!
David laughs far too hard at his mom’s joke. She giggles along with him, until eventually looking slightly confused.
CUT TO:
ext. david’s STREET - day.
David and his mother get into their car and begin driving through the neighborhood. MRS. APPLEBEE, watering her plants, sees them and begins waving.
mrs. APPLEBEE
Goodbye, David! Good luck at college!
david
Bye, Mrs. Applebee! Good luck with your rodent problem!
They drive off as the MAILMAN waves goodbye to David.
mailman
Good luck, David!
david
Thanks, back-up mailman!
They continue to drive through the neighborhood as several other groups, such as school children and senior citizens, wave goodbye to David. They then pass a POLICE OFFICER arresting a CRIMINAL. He stops mid-arrest to wave goodbye at David.
poliCE OFFICER
Bye, David!
david
Goodbye, officer!
criminal
Break a leg, kid!
david
Thanks, repeat offender!
They drive through the town and eventually reach the airport. They get out of the car and Linda begins to help David unpack his bags. Finally, the time has come for them to say goodbye. They hug tightly as he begins to walk away, then slowly turns around.
david
Don’t forget to write, mom!
LINDA
I thought I’d just text you.
david
Oh…uh, right.
David waves goodbye one last time.
CUT TO:
ext. airplane - day.
An establishing of an airplane as David makes the flight from Little Brooke, Indiana to Idell University in New Jersey.
CUT TO:
ext. idell university - day.
David walks through campus, dragging his suitcase with boxes piled on top of it. The sweeping guitar music continues as he looks around at his surroundings. He stops for a moment, taking it all in. A large smiles comes across his face.
david
This is it. I’m…I’m home!
He smiles even wider - until a STUDENT pushes him.
student
What the hell, man? You’re blocking the entire walkway!
The music suddenly stops as David looks behind him and sees a small traffic jam of angry students.
david
Oh…uh…I’m…I’m sorry.
David walks off, slightly embarrassed.
david
Okay, I just need to find Riverdale Dorms.
(taking out a map)
According to this, it’s in this building, the one that looks like…all of the other buildings. Oh! Here’s a map key. With only numbers. Oh, okay, it says to turn the map over and it’ll tell me which number each building is…and…wait, what? Is this Latin?
He puts the map down, frustrated.
david
I’ll just ask someone.
David approaches a student with earbuds.
david
Excuse me, do you know where the Riverdale dorms are?
The student ignores him. He looks confused, then approaches a MALE STUDENT who is clearly on some kind of drug. David is naive to this.
david
Hi, can you tell me where the Riverdale dorms are?
The student smiles. David smiles back. The student then begins to slowly stroke David’s face. David looks confused and slowly backs away. He then approaches a FEMALE STUDENT who has his back turned to him.
david
Excuse me, do you —?
female student
Stay away!
The female student takes pepper spray and sprays David in the face with it.
CUT TO:
int. riverdale dorms - day.
David finally approaches the Riverdale dorms, broken down and confused.
david
Well, that was…different. But it’s okay, because now I’m going to meet my roommate, and the best four years of my life are really going to begin.
David enters his dorm.
CUT TO:
int. david’s dorm - day.
The dorm is completely empty.
david
Okay, well…that’s alright. He’ll be here any minute.
David begins unpacking. He begins unpacking more and more. He continues to unpack and unpack until he has unpacked his entire room. He then sits around, waits, eats some snacks, and waits some more. Finally, hours later, JOE - 18, clothes and hair a mess, walks into the room.
david
Hi! Are - are you Joe?
joe
Yeah, why?
David looks a little thrown off by his appearance.
david
Well, uh, I’m - I’m your roommate!
joe
Oh, hi.
david
Hi! I’m David.
David extends his hand for a handshake. Joe looks confused and stares at it for a minute. He then lightly bumps his fist into David’s hand and walks off. David looks bewildered.
david
So, Joe, what kind of music do you —
Joe completely ignores David as he takes out a TV, places it on the desk, and hooks up a DVD player to it. He then opens a suitcase filled with DVDs, takes one out, and pops one in.
joe
Well, that wiped me out.
Joe then collapses onto his bed, totally relaxed. David looks confused as Joe opens his only other suitcase, which is full of snacks and junk food.
david
Are - uh,…are are those your only suitcases?
joe
Yeah, why?
david
You didn’t pack clothes? Or a toothbrush? Or anything needed to survive?
joe
Uh, I think you need food to survive.
Joe takes a bag of M&Ms and shoves them down his throat.
joe
Besides, they give us all of that stuff, don’t they?
david
I’m not sure. They might. I mean, no. No, they definitely don’t. But it’s okay. You can borrow some of my stuff for now.
David looks at Joe, expecting a thank you, but instead gets an awkward silence. David pauses for a moment, trying to think of a way to start a conversation.
david
So where are you from?
joe
Boston.
david
Oh, wow, you’re from Boston? That’s a great place! I mean, I’ve never been there, but I bet it’s great. I love their cream!
joe
What? Oh, no, I’m not from Boston. I’m just…I’m uh, watching Cheers.
david
Oh, I love Cheers!
joe
Really?
david
Yeah, it’s a really good show. I mean, I haven’t seen too much, but it seems really funny.
joe
It is. And it had such great characters, you know? They were all different, but somehow fit together and became one of the best ensembles ever on TV.
david
Wow, that does sound great.
joe
I’ve never met my age who appreciates old sitcoms. I mean, most people had families. I had Nick at Nite.
David and Joe watch the show happily for a few seconds.
joe
Chocolate milk?
david
Uh - sure, okay.
Joe pulls a half gallon of milk and a tube of chocolate syrup out of his suitcase.
david
I mean, um…actually, I think I’m going to go into the lounge, wanna come with me?
joe
But…Cheers isn’t over yet.
david
Well, maybe you can pause it? And then we can watch it later?
Joe contemplates this for a moment.
joe
Alright, I guess I’ll come.
Joe pauses the DVD, grabs his milk and chocolate, and joins David on his way out. He is about to start pouring the chocolate into the milk.
joe
Oh, no. This milk is expired.
Joe throws the milk on the floor, takes the chocolate bottle, and squirts it in his mouth. David looks grossed out, but tries to smile through it.
CUT TO:
INT. RIVERDALE DORMS - DAY.
David and Joe walk out into the dorms and run into ASHLEY - 18, plain but pretty. She is hanging up a poster on a bulletin board.
ashley
Hi guys!
david
Hi, I’m Da —
ashley
Nice to meet you, I’m Ashley! I’m trying to spread awareness for an event I’m holding on campus this week to raise money for the hungry children of Africa.
david
Oh man, what a great cause! Where in Africa?
ashley
Uh…the…west part.
david
Oh…well, uh, sign me up. And you can sign my friend Joe up, too.
joe
Wait, what?
ashley
Thanks, you guys! You guys are my first official “yes”es. The closest I had gotten before was a “go to hell” and two attempted make-outs. I can’t take the stupid spoiled airheads at this school, caring about nothing other than their hair and staying thin. They should stop obsessing over the malnourished rich models in People Magazine and start obsessing over the malnourished poor children in Time Magazine.
david
Well, what about your roommate? She probably said yes, right?
ashley
Don’t even get me started on my roommates.
david
Oh no, why —
ashley
Shh!
david
What?
Ashley shushes David. A backing track to Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” can be heard vaguely playing in the background, with someone singing along to it.
joe
Is that your —
ashley
All day. It never, ever stops.
David and Joe look horrified.Then, Ashley smiles wide. She has a plan.
ashley
Hey! Wanna meet my roommates?
david
Sure! That sounds great!
joe
Uh, this isn’t what I—
Ashley ignores him and motions for them to follow her.
CUT TO:
int. girls’ dorm - day.
Ashley brings David and Joe into her dorm, where MIA - 18, eccentric-looking but beautiful, is looking in the mirror and belting loudly to Greatest Love of All and KELSEY - 19, messy-looking, is scrounging around through suitcases.
ashley
Hey, look! Look who’s going to participate in my Africa thing! These random guys! Doesn’t that make you guys feel bad?
mia
(belting, paying no attention)
I DECIDED LONG AGO/NEVER TO WALK IN ANYONE’S SHADOWS.
david
Uh, hi, everyone, I’m Dav —
ashley
Tell them, David! Tell them they basically have to do the event now!
kelsey
Is this Tylenol? Yep, we have to get rid of Tylenol.
She throws the Tylenol into the trash.
mia
NO MATTER WHAT THEY TAKE FROM ME/THEY CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITY.
joe
…Are you sure you want to throw that away?
ashley
You know what?
mia
BECAUSE THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL…
Ashley shuts off her music. Mia pays no attention to this.
mia
IS HAPPENING TO MEEE…
ashley
Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, I’m talking!
Kelsey is holding a pill bottle.
kelsey
What is this? Foot fungus? Hmm…yep, this is a goner.
Kelsey tosses the bottle in the trash.
mia
Okay, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to interrupt my performance to finally ask - what are you doing?
kelsey
I’m getting rid of anything that could possibly cause me to relapse from the crippling substance abuse problem I had through-out school. Whoops! Cat’s out of the bag, I was a teenage addict. My name is Kelsey and I used to be an alcoholic!
ashley
Okay, everyone stop, we’re talking about my thing now.
Mia
(ignoring her)
Oh, alright. Back to my performance!
(singing)
IF I FAIL/IF I SUCCEED…
ashley
No!
david
Guys!
Everyone goes right back to what they were doing before. Frustrated, Ashley is about to take a sack of textbooks and throw them at Kelsey and Mia, when David sees this and panics.
david
Guys!
He is ignored. David begins to panic. Joe notices this.
joe
(louder)
Guys!
Everyone stops.
joe
To do that, I pretended I was Alan Alda on MASH.
david
Look, I was thinking, it’s close to dinnertime, why don’t we all head to the dining hall and…well, talk? Get to know each other a little? Work this all out?
Everyone looks at each other.
ashley
Yes. Yes, what he said, I like what he said.
mia
My vocal chords could use some nutrients.
kelsey
Will there be alcohol in the dining hall?
david
Uh…no?
kelsey
Alright, I’ll go.
david
Okay. Uh…let’s…let’s go, then.
Everyone gets up and follows David outside of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. DINING HALL - DAY.
David, Joe, Ashley, Mia, and Kelsey are sitting at a table, eating dinner. David looks around happily, joyful that he’s found people to spend time with, Mia looks like she’s in her own world, Kelsey looks uneasy, and Ashley looks horrified. Joe, meanwhile, it happily munching down a plate of chicken wings, paying no attention to anything else.
joe
Mmm, honey and barbecue, how are you not disgusting?
Joe munches down more of the wings.
david
So where are all of you —
ashley
No!
david
What?
ashley
I’m sorry, it’s just…we have an empty chair.
david
Oh, you’re right. I’ll just give it to a table that needs it.
David gets up to bring the chair over, when Ashley grabs him.
ashley
You can’t do that!
david
Why not?
ashley
Because look around. Everyone else has six filled seats. If we only have five, it’ll make it look like we’re outcasts. Like we’re not fitting in.
mia
Who cares what other people think? Put the chair back, David.
ashley
No! If you do that, I will…I will leave!
joe
The sauce is so sweet, yet it has a pinch of a tang.
Mia
And go where? All of the other tables are filled, except for that one.
Mia points to a long table where TF - 18, dressed darkly, lonely looking - is sitting.
ashley
Well then…we need another person! I can’t live like this!
kelsey
I don’t think it’s a big deal. I sat alone all of the time in high school, and I turned out…
(beat)
…oh, I get it.
joe
Only one wing left? Time flies when you’re having fun.
david
Guys, why don’t we just ask him to sit with us? He’s all alone.
The group recants - “no!”.
ashley
Do you see him? He’s dressed in all black. There’s no way we’ll make it out of this dinner alive.
mia
Not to mention he probably smells like Hot Topic.
david
Oh come on, guys, that’s very closed-minded.
kelsey
I don’t know, I should be careful about who I’m associating with. I don’t know if my counselor would appreciate me talking to someone possessed by the devil.
joe
I’m going to try to savor this wing.
david
Well, I’m going to ask him.
David walks over to TF.
david
Hey, man! Do you wanna come sit with us?
TF ignores him.
david
Oh, sorry, I guess you didn’t hear me. Did you wanna come sit with us? We have an open seat.
tf
I said no.
david
No you didn’t.
TF glares at him.
david
Come on, it’ll be fun.
TF continues to glare at him, while David continues to smile back at him.
TF
Are you just going to keep doing that until I come?
david
Probably.
TF sighs, then gets his things. David looks accomplished. The rest of the group looks uneasy as TF takes a seat.
david
Hey, guys, this is…I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name, what is it?
tf
TF.
david
Oh, wow, looks like we’ve got a comedian at our table!
tf
No, that’s really my name.
Everyone looks confused.
ashley
Does it stand for something?
tf
Yes.
There’s an awkward silence as everyone waits for TF to tell them what it stands for. He never does.
joe
Alright, it’s done. My last chicken wing. It’s the end of an era, really.
Joe finishes his wing, then looks over at TF.
joe
Wait…what?
david
This is TF. He decided to join us. Anyway, I figure we’d start with a few icebreakers to get to know each other. Let’s all go around and say where we’re from. Who wants to start. No one? Okay, TF, you start.
tf
The United States.
david
Oh…uh, okay, well, we know you’re not an international student. Mia?
mia
I’m from Millview, New Jersey. It’s a small town that no one had ever heard of until my portrayal of Peter Pan from the musical Peter Pan won first place in the National High School Theater competition. As did my portrayl of Peter Pan from the musical Ragtime, and Peter Pan from the musical Grease, and Peter Pan from the musical Les Miserables…my school’s costume budget was not great, but they made up for it with their….me.
ashley
Yeah, well, I’m from Baytown High School and I put our town on the map too. I ran a bake sale to benefit tornado victims that was called the “best event to ever take place in town” by a local article.
Everyone looks suspicious.
ashley
…In our school paper.
Everyone still looks suspicious.
ashley
…That I wrote.
Everyone nods, no longer looking suspicious.
joe
Wait, Baytown High School? That’s the school I went to.
ashley
Really? Why didn’t I ever see you?
joe
Most people don’t.
david
Well, I guess I’m the only one here who isn’t from New Jersey.
ashley
Oh, Pennslyania?
Everyone groans.
david
No, I’m from Indiana, actually.
kelsey
Indiana?!
mia
That’s so…west.
joe
Do you have a cowboy hat?!
david
Uh, no?
ashley
So wait, if you’re from Indiana, how’d you even hear about us?
joe
Even I’ve never heard of this school.
david
I just googled colleges far away from home. I had a great life growing up, but I wanted something, well - different.
kelsey
Wow, I can’t believe I’m talking to someone from the west coast!
David looks confused.
CUT TO:
ext. idell university - night.
The group is walking out of the dining hall. As they are doing so, they pass a student selling hot pretzels.
pretzel student
Come get pretzels, pretzels, piping hot and for a good cause!
ashley
What’s the good cause?
pretzel student
My spring break in Italy! Also, love.
joe
Good enough for me!
Joe takes out money, and the rest of the group shrugs and does the same. The exception is TF, who tries to walk away, but David notices and pulls him back.
joe
I don’t get it, why do people say college is hard? So far I’ve just been eating a lot.
kelsey
I really shouldn’t be eating this many carbs. Wait, do pretzels have carbs? I don’t know, it just seemed like something I should say.
mia
I wouldn’t know. My parents never let me have them, they said all processed food was created by evil corporations to control everyone’s minds.
(munching down the pretzel)
But…maybe they’ve never had one.
David looks around at everyone enjoying their pretzels.
david
Look at us. All enjoying our pretzels together…
tf
I’m not enjoying my pretzel. I hate it. Can I leave now?
david
(ignoring him)
We’re just like our own little fam…
David stops himself as everyone begins giving him a weird look.
david
Uh, group of college students..enjoying a pretzel…together.
David smiles, as the rest of the group continues to enjoy their pretzel.
david
So what are we going to do now?
joe
Cheers!
david
No, I was kind of thinking —
ashley
I should organize my event. I actually have no idea what it’s going to be. A bake sale, maybe? A marathon? A bake sale followed by a marathon to burn off the calories? Ooh, maybe it can be about obesity, too. Nope, it’s Africa, they’re not obese in Afria. See? I have a lot of work to do. Bye!
david
But I was —
kelsey
I should go, too. This is the longest I’ve been outside in eight months, I need a nap.
david
But guys!
It’s too late. The rest of the group has already begun walking off. The only person left is TF.
david
Will you stay with me, TF?
TF stares at him for a few minutes. David waits patiently for an answer.
tf
No.
TF walks off. David looks bummed as he’s left alone with his pretzel. He sits on a bench and begins munching on it, depressed.
CUT TO:
int. idell university - night.
David begins walking around campus. He sees an assortment of college students, giggling around campus with their friends. He looks more and more angry and hurt every time he sees a happy, connected college group. After he seems one particularly joyful one, he drops his pretzel in the ground in anger. After a few seconds, he picks it back up.
david
That’s so rude of me. How could I do that? Someone spent a whole 10 or 11 minutes making that.
As he is grabbing the pretzel, CHRIS - 20, a trainwreck - notices him.
Chris
Are you about to eat a pretzel off of the ground?
david
Oh, no, I was just - I was just picking it up…wow, this must look really bad.
Chris
Dude, that’s awesome! I love eating things off the ground.
david
…Really?
Chris
No.
David looks confused.
Chris
Hey, are you doing anything tonight?
david
Well, I don’t know, the people on my floor might…
(thinking)
…no, no. I’m not.
Chris
Well, there’s gonna be a crazy ass party…crazy ass like crazy. There’s not going to be crazy asses at the party. Just kidding. There totally are!
David looks confused.
Chris
Anyway, it’s gonna be great. It starts at midnight. Be there or… don’t, I mean, it’s up to you, but you should go.
david
Yeah, you know what? I will. It’s nice to actually be invited to something rather than having to organize it myself. I’ll go!
Chris
Alright, awesome! It’s at my apartment on the west side of campus, right next to the campus police. I picked it on purpose! We like challenges.
david
So what should I bring? It might be a little late for soda…eh, I’ll do it anyway. What kind? Coke? Pepsi? No - I’ll get a little crazy, I’ll bring Mountain Dew!
Chris looks confused.
CUT TO:
int. riverdale dormS - night.
David walks into his floor of the dorms. Joe is outside of his dorm.
david
What are you doing here? Is Cheers over?
joe
Cheers will never be over. But yes, I have decided to stop watching it for now.
DAVID
Oh. Well, I can’t do anything, because I’m going to a party tonight.
joe
That’s okay. I think I’m going to watch a few episodes of The Cosby Show and then go to bed.
david
Alright…I mean, you - you could come with me if you want.
joe
No, parties aren’t really my thing. So many people.
Ashley comes out of her dorm.
ashley
Did I hear you say you’re going to a party? Where is it? I wanna go! Parties are the best. So many people!
david
It’s at this kid Chris’s apartment.
ashley
Chris? The one…the one by the police station?
david
Yeah, that’s him. It starts at midnight, so I’m going to bring some Mountain Dew, because wow! Mountain Dew at midnight! College is crazy.
ashley
Interesting. That’s - that’s really…that’s really…Joe, why don’t you come into my room?
joe
Why?
ashley
I’ll give you Starbursts.
joe
Okay.
Ashley pulls Joe into her room.
CUT TO:
int. girls’ dorm - night.
Mia is praciting to Hero by Mariah Carey while Kelsey is taking a nap.
ashley
Stop, stop, stop, everyone stop!
Ashley unplugs Mia’s music.
ashley
We have a real crisis on our hands!
mia
I know, but if you just plug my music back in and everything will be okay.
ashley
Not that.
joe
You’re out of Starbursts?!
ashley
Would everyone stop talking and listen for a minute?! David is going to a party tonight at Crazy Chris’s apartment.
kelsey
Oh God, Crazy Chris?
mia
Crazy Chris?!
joe
Who’s Crazy Chris?
mia
Oh, good, you don’t know either.
kelsey
Crazy Chris is the most messed up person at Idell University. When I told my support group I was going to Idell, they told me specifically to avoid him. And also the dean of the school of sciences. I hear he gets really rowdy at holiday parties.
ashley
And look at David. He’s small, he’s naiive, innocent. He might literally die if he goes to that party.
mia
But why’s it our responsibility? It’s his life. If he wants to kill himself at a college party, he has every right to do so.
ashley
It’s not, I guess. I just…thought you all should know.
joe
Can I get my Starbursts now?
Ashley takes a sleeve of Starbursts, picks out the pink ones, and hands them to Joe. He then walks out of the room.
CUT TO:
int. david and joe’s dorm - night.
Joe goes to take Cheers out of his DVD player. The DVD menu is playing the theme song in loop. He tries to open the DVD player, but it seems to be stuck. He angrily tries to ply it open a few times, when he notices a note by David next to the DVD player. It reads: “Joe, I went to the party. I took one of your Mountain Dews and a bag of potato chips, but then I felt bad, so I bought you two more Mountain Dews and three more bags of potato chips”. Joe looks at it and smiles, while the Cheers theme continues.
CUT TO:
int. girls’ dorm - night.
Mia has resumed her singing and Kelsey resumes her nap. Ashley is looking through her textbooks in her backpack when she stumbles upon a sign-up sheet for her event. She notices David’s name on it - and Joe’s name, written by David - and sighs, when Joe walks in.
joe
Guys, we need to go save David!
ashley
Let’s go!
mia
I’m in the middle of practicing!
kelsey
And I’m in the middle of sleeping!
joe
Are those things really more important than saving some random kid that you just met on your floor from a situation that may or may not be harmful?
mia
Uh, yes…
ashley
Joe, that’s not how you persuade people to do things. Here, watch me. Hey, guys, if you don’t come with me I’m never going to speak to either of you again.
They seem unphased.
ashley
And you can just forget about me inviting you to any parties.
They still seem unphased.
ashley
And if I ever get famous, I’m not going to promote your Twitter accounts on Follow Friday.
They still seem unphased.
ashley
Whatever, fine, stay here with your Mariah Carey songs and your dreams about rehab.
kelsey
Okay!
Ashley rolls her eyes. She’s about to walk out, when suddenly, Lean on Me comes up on Mia’s iPod. Ashley stops Joe from leaving. Mia is about to go up to the iPod and change it.
mia
Ugh. This is the one song I could never relate to.
Just ask she is about to change it, she looks over to Ashley, who is giving her a look to suggest she should come along. Mia gets it, and sighs.
mia
Alright. Let’s go.
kelsey
Wait, you’re going, too? Everyone’s going? Oh, then I’ll - I’ll come too! I have to be included in things. Doctor’s orders.
ashley
Then let’s go!
Everyone follows Ashley out of the door.
CUT TO:
ext. idell university; NEAR CHRIS’S APARTMENT - night.
We see David standing outside of Chris’s apartment. He knocks on the door. A RANDOM STUDENT answers.
DAVID
Uh, hi. Is Chris here?
student
Who’s Chris?
Chris pops up behind the student.
chris
I’m Chris!
DAVID
Oh, hi, Chris!
chris
I’m David. Remember, you invited me to your party?
chris
Oh, right! David! You live next door, right?
DAVID
No.
chris
Do you work in the dining hall?
DAVID
No.
chris
Are you the one dating my mom?
DAVID
No.
chris
Oh. Whatever. Just come in!
DAVID
Okay! Oh, I brought you these —
chris
Oh, thanks!
Chris takes the entire bottle of Mountain Dew and downs it.
chris
Woooo! I feel nothing!
David looks uneasy.
CUT TO:
ext. idell university; outside the dorms - night.
Joe and Ashley run out of the dorms.
ashley
Alright, so what’s our plan?
mia
Save Joe from Crazy Chris.
ashley
That’s our objective. What’s our plan?
kelsey
(confused)
Save Joe…from Crazy…Chris?
ashley
No! We need a detailed strategy that will lead us to the results we desire. Something clever, something with thought, something…are you biting that Starbursts wrapper?
joe
Sometimes there’s little pieces of Starbursts left behind.
ashley
This is not going to work.
Ashley looks around and sees TF sitting alone on a bench.
ashley
You!
She grabs him.
tf
What? No, I don’t —
ashley
Shut up.
TF looks confused as Ashley drags TF along and the rest follow. TF resists, but Ashley has a firm grasp on him.
CUT TO:
int. chris’s apartment - night.
David walks around the apartment, horrified by the ridiculous amount of drugs, drinking and grinding that is occuring around him. He attempts to work through it by approaching some couples on the dancefloor.
DAVID
Hi, I’m David! I —
The couple pulls him into their grinding.
DAVID
Oh, no, I don’t think - no, no thank you.
He just keeps getting more sucked in.
DAVID
Oh geez, how is…how is this happening?!
David is somehow being sucked into the grinding circle as if it’s quicksand. Just as this is happening, the rest of the group enters. They look just as confused as everyone else.
mia
This is…strange.
ashley
It’s like a high school dance only everyone’s actively tying to reproduce.
joe
I’m both horrified and intrigued. Like when I googled my mom.
kelsey
Oh, hi, Samantha! Hi, Phil! What’s up? Nice to see you guys, too!
(to the group)
Just so you know, those people are probably going to die pretty soon.
ashley
Does anyone see David?
joe
No, I think we might need to check under some of these people.
mia
Alright, well, let’s go!
ashley
Wait, Mia!
Ashley heads into the grinding vortex, but she’s quickly sucked in.
mia
Oh my God! What’s happening?!
ashley
You can’t just walk into people grinding! You’ll get sucked in!
mia
How was I supposed to know that?!
kelsey
Just take my hand, I’ll get you out!
ashley
No! We’ll get you later, Mia. Right now, we can’t waste any time!
kelsey
No! No one gets left behind. Take my hand.
Mia goes to grab Kelsey’s hand, while Ashley ignores her and runs off on her own. However, both Ashley and Kelsey wind up getting sucked into the vortex.
kelsey
Oh God!
mia
I guess it’s all up to Joe.
ashley
Well, we’re screwed. Joe, go and find David!
kelsey
No, hang on to us, pull us out!
ashley
No! Find David!
mia
Hang on to us!
joe
I can’t make decisions!
Joe runs into the crowd in an act of self-sabotage.
kelsey
Joe!
ashley
Wait, I see David!
kelsey
TF, it’s all up to you.
We see David trapped into the grinding vortex, calling for help as he gets deeper and depper into it.
david
Help! Someone help me!
kelsey
Someone may or may not be coming, David!
Kelsey runs after David, but winds up getting sucked in herself.
kelsey
Oh no! Someone’s massaging my foot!
mia
No, Kelsey!
ashley
Oh God, we’re going to die a sweaty, awkwardly erotic death!
joe
Wait, we still have TF!
ashley
TF, please, could you do this for us?
tf
Why should I?
mia
Come on, TF!
david
We’re counting on you!
tf
So?
ashley
If you do it, we won’t bother you ever again!
tf
Are you sure?
ashley
Yes, we promise. Right, guys?
They agree. TF sighs. As if he is Medusa, all of the grinders are perplexed, and stop grinding, freeing the group from the grinding vortex.
ashley
Wow, that might come in handy.
kelsey
TF! You saved us!
TF
Cool.
DAVID
And you guys…you guys saved me.
ashley
We figured it might be useful to have you alive for a while.
DAVID
But I thought you guys were all busy.
joe
Bill Cosby can wait.
DAVID
So, what do you guys wanna do now?
joe
I think I have an idea…
CUT TO:
int. david and joe’s dorm - night.
The entire group is sitting on Joe’s bed, eating junk food, and wathing Cheers.
ashley
If we’re going to be the Cheers cast, can I be the sassy curly-haired one?
joe
Carla? Sure. I think that works.
mia
No, I’m Carla. I’m the one with the strongest personality. And also the strongest voice.
(singing)
I’M STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY..
kelsey
I would say I’m Carla, because I have the darkest past.
joe
Why are you guys arguing over who’s Carla? You guys are weird.
Joe takes some starbursts and put them on brownie.
ashley
Whatever, I’m totally Carla!
mia
Come on, it’s definitely me!
David smiles as the bickering continues as the scene gradually zooms out.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW.
FADE IN:
int. david’s bedroom - day.
DAVID - 18, short and baby-faced, is in his room packing, when his mother, LINDA - 49, pretty and sweet-looking, walks in.
linda
David, honey, are you ready to go?
david
I just need to say goodbye to my room. I’m going to be away from it for so long.
David opens the drawer of his night table and takes out a baby tooth.
david
Look, it’s the first tooth I lost.
linda
Boy, the way it’s decomposed so perfectly really justifies the $200 I put under your pillow for it.
David picks up a ribbon from his side table.
david
Aww, look at this. A participation award from my 8th grade science fair.
linda
Your project was so wonderful, it couldn’t be ranked.
david
Oh, and look, my senior prom pictures!
The camera zooms in on the prom picture. It shows David and his mom posing happily while his date is off to the side, pushed off and slightly angry.
david
I’ve had so many great memories in this room. I remember my very first night in it, when we first moved here, after you told me you were going to get to raise me all by yourself…
LINDA
(interrupting him)
I’m very happy to hear that, sweetie.
david
I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t go to college. Maybe I should just stay here and work my way up at ShopRite. Everyone always says their bread looks best when I’m their bagboy.
LINDA
Absolutely not. You are the brightest kid in this entire town, and I won’t let you waste your life away packing people’s pork chops. You may have had a good life here, but you’re going to go college, you’re going to find people who fall in love with you just as much as everyone here has, and you’re going to have the best four years of your life, until the four years after that.
david
You’re right, Mom. You’re always right!
linda
That’s why they made me a mom!
David laughs far too hard at his mom’s joke. She giggles along with him, until eventually looking slightly confused.
CUT TO:
ext. david’s STREET - day.
David and his mother get into their car and begin driving through the neighborhood. MRS. APPLEBEE, watering her plants, sees them and begins waving.
mrs. APPLEBEE
Goodbye, David! Good luck at college!
david
Bye, Mrs. Applebee! Good luck with your rodent problem!
They drive off as the MAILMAN waves goodbye to David.
mailman
Good luck, David!
david
Thanks, back-up mailman!
They continue to drive through the neighborhood as several other groups, such as school children and senior citizens, wave goodbye to David. They then pass a POLICE OFFICER arresting a CRIMINAL. He stops mid-arrest to wave goodbye at David.
poliCE OFFICER
Bye, David!
david
Goodbye, officer!
criminal
Break a leg, kid!
david
Thanks, repeat offender!
They drive through the town and eventually reach the airport. They get out of the car and Linda begins to help David unpack his bags. Finally, the time has come for them to say goodbye. They hug tightly as he begins to walk away, then slowly turns around.
david
Don’t forget to write, mom!
LINDA
I thought I’d just text you.
david
Oh…uh, right.
David waves goodbye one last time.
CUT TO:
ext. airplane - day.
An establishing of an airplane as David makes the flight from Little Brooke, Indiana to Idell University in New Jersey.
CUT TO:
ext. idell university - day.
David walks through campus, dragging his suitcase with boxes piled on top of it. The sweeping guitar music continues as he looks around at his surroundings. He stops for a moment, taking it all in. A large smiles comes across his face.
david
This is it. I’m…I’m home!
He smiles even wider - until a STUDENT pushes him.
student
What the hell, man? You’re blocking the entire walkway!
The music suddenly stops as David looks behind him and sees a small traffic jam of angry students.
david
Oh…uh…I’m…I’m sorry.
David walks off, slightly embarrassed.
david
Okay, I just need to find Riverdale Dorms.
(taking out a map)
According to this, it’s in this building, the one that looks like…all of the other buildings. Oh! Here’s a map key. With only numbers. Oh, okay, it says to turn the map over and it’ll tell me which number each building is…and…wait, what? Is this French?
He puts the map down, frustrated.
david
I’ll just ask someone.
David approaches a student with earbuds.
david
Excuse me, do you know where the Riverdale dorms are?
The student ignores him. He looks confused, then approaches a MALE STUDENT who is clearly on some kind of drug. David is naive to this.
david
Hi, can you tell me where the Riverdale dorms are?
The student smiles. David smiles back. The student then begins to slowly stroke David’s face. David looks confused and slowly backs away. He then approaches a FEMALE STUDENT who has his back turned to him.
david
Excuse me, do you —?
female student
Stay away!
The female student takes pepper spray and sprays David in the face with it.
CUT TO:
int. riverdale dorms - day.
David finally approaches the Riverdale dorms, broken down and confused.
david
Well, that was…different. But it’s okay, because now I’m going to meet my roommate, and the best four years of my life are really going to begin.
David enters his dorm.
CUT TO:
int. david’s dorm - day.
The dorm is completely empty.
david
Okay, well…that’s alright. He’ll be here any minute.
David begins unpacking. He begins unpacking more and more. He continues to unpack and unpack until he has unpacked his entire room. He then sits around, waits, eats some snacks, and waits some more. Finally, hours later, JOE - 18, clothes and hair a mess, walks into the room.
david
Hi! Are - are you Joe?
joe
Yeah, why?
David looks a little thrown off by his appearance.
david
Well, uh, I’m - I’m your roommate!
joe
Oh, hi.
david
Hi! I’m David.
David extends his hand for a handshake. Joe looks confused and stares at it for a minute. He then lightly bumps his fist into David’s hand and walks off. David looks bewildered.
david
So, Joe, what kind of music do you —
Joe completely ignores David as he takes out a TV, places it on the desk, and hooks up a DVD player to it. He then opens a suitcase filled with DVDs, takes one out, and pops one in.
joe
Well, that wiped me out.
Joe then collapses onto his bed, totally relaxed. David looks confused as Joe opens his only other suitcase, which is full of snacks and junk food.
david
Are - uh,…are are those your only suitcases?
joe
Yeah, why?
david
You didn’t pack clothes? Or a toothbrush? Or anything needed to survive?
joe
Uh, I think you need food to survive.
Joe takes a bag of M&Ms and shoves them down his throat.
joe
Besides, they give us all of that stuff, don’t they?
david
I’m not sure. They might. I mean, no. No, they definitely don’t. But it’s okay. You can borrow some of my stuff for now.
David looks at Joe, expecting a thank you, but instead gets an awkward silence. David pauses for a moment, trying to think of a way to start a conversation.
david
So where are you from?
joe
Boston.
david
Oh, wow, you’re from Boston? That’s a great place! I mean, I’ve never been there, but I bet it’s great. I love their cream!
joe
What? Oh, no, I’m not from Boston. I’m just…I’m uh, watching Cheers.
david
Oh, I love Cheers!
joe
Really?
david
Yeah, it’s a really good show. I mean, I haven’t seen too much, but it seems really funny.
joe
It is. And it had such great characters, you know? They were all different, but somehow fit together and became one of the best ensembles ever on TV.
david
Wow, that does sound great.
joe
I’ve never met my age who appreciates old sitcoms. I mean, most people had families. I had Nick at Nite.
David and Joe watch the show happily for a few seconds.
joe
Chocolate milk?
david
Uh - sure, okay.
Joe pulls a half gallon of milk and a tube of chocolate syrup out of his suitcase.
david
I mean, um…actually, I think I’m going to go into the lounge, wanna come with me?
joe
But…Cheers isn’t over yet.
david
Well, maybe you can pause it? And then we can watch it later?
Joe contemplates this for a moment.
joe
Alright, I guess I’ll come.
Joe pauses the DVD, grabs his milk and chocolate, and joins David on his way out. He is about to start pouring the chocolate into the milk.
joe
Oh, no. This milk is expired.
Joe throws the milk on the floor, takes the chocolate bottle, and squirts it in his mouth. David looks grossed out, but tries to smile through it.
CUT TO:
INT. RIVERDALE DORMS - DAY.
David and Joe walk out into the dorms and run into ASHLEY - 18, plain but pretty. She is hanging up a poster on a bulletin board.
ashley
Hi guys!
david
Hi, I’m Da —
ashley
Nice to meet you, I’m Ashley! I’m trying to spread awareness for an event I’m holding on campus this week to raise money for the hungry children of Africa.
david
Oh man, what a great cause! Where in Africa?
ashley
Uh…the…west part.
david
Oh…well, uh, sign me up. And you can sign my friend Joe up, too.
joe
Wait, what?
ashley
Thanks, you guys! You guys are my first official “yes”es. The closest I had gotten before was a “go to hells” and two attempted make-outs. I can’t take the stupid spoiled airheads at this school, caring about nothing other than their hair and staying thin. They should stop obsessing over the malnourished rich models in People Magazine and start obsessing over the malnourished poor children in Time Magazine.
david
Well, what about your roommate? She probably said yes, right?
ashley
Don’t even get me started on my roommates.
david
Oh no, why —
ashley
Shh!
david
What?
Ashley shushes David. A backing track to Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” can be heard vaguely playing in the background, with someone singing along to it.
joe
Is that your —
ashley
All day. It never, ever stops.
David and Joe look horrified.
ashley
But now that you guys are going to do it, they have to do it. I mean, they’re my roommates. They’d look really bad if they weren’t there and other people were.
david
Well, I don’t know, maybe they’re just…busy.
Ashley smiles wide. She has a plan.
ashley
Hey! Wanna meet my roommates?
david
Sure! That sounds great!
joe
Uh, this isn’t what I—
Ashley ignores him and motions for them to follow her.
CUT TO:
int. girls’ dorm - day.
Ashley brings David and Joe into her dorm, where MIA - 18, eccentric-looking but beautiful, is looking in the mirror and belting loudly to Greatest Love of All and KELSEY - 19, messy-looking, is scrounging around through suitcases.
ashley
Hey, look! Look who’s going to participate in my Africa thing! These random guys! Doesn’t that make you guys feel bad?
mia
(belting, paying no attention)
I DECIDED LONG AGO/NEVER TO WALK IN ANYONE’S SHADOWS.
david
Uh, hi, everyone, I’m Dav —
ashley
Tell them, David! Tell them they basically have to do the event now!
kelsey
Is this Tylenol? Yep, we have to get rid of Tylenol.
She throws the Tylenol into the trash.
mia
NO MATTER WHAT THEY TAKE FROM ME/THEY CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITY.
joe
…Are you sure you want to throw that away?
ashley
You know what?
mia
BECAUSE THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL…
Ashley shuts off her music. Mia pays no attention to this.
mia
IS HAPPENING TO MEEE…
ashley
Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, I’m talking!
Kelsey is holding a pill bottle.
kelsey
What is this? Foot fungus? Hmm…yep, this is a goner.
Kelsey tosses the bottle in the trash.
mia
Okay, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to interrupt my performance to finally ask - what are you doing?
kelsey
I’m getting rid of anything that could possibly cause me to relapse from the crippling substance abuse problem I had through-out school. Whoops! Cat’s out of the bag, I was a teenage addict. My name is Kelsey and I used to be an alcoholic!
ashley
Okay, everyone stop, we’re talking about my thing now.
Mia
(ignoring her)
Oh, alright. Back to my performance!
(singing)
IF I FAIL/IF I SUCCEED…
ashley
No!
david
Guys!
Everyone goes right back to what they were doing before. Frustrated, Ashley is about to take a sack of textbooks and throw that at Kelsey and Mia, when David sees this and panics.
david
Guys!
He is ignored. David begins to panic. Joe notices this.
joe
(louder)
Guys!
Everyone stops.
joe
To do that, I pretended I was Alan Alda on MASH.
david
Look, I was thinking, it’s close to dinnertime, why don’t we all head to the dining hall and…well, talk? Get to know each other a little? Work this all out?
Everyone looks at each other.
ashley
Yes. Yes, what he said, I like what he said.
mia
My vocal chords could use some nutrients.
kelsey
Will there be alcohol in the dining hall?
david
Uh…no?
kelsey
Alright, I’ll go.
david
Okay. Uh…let’s…let’s go, then.
Everyone gets up and follows David outside of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. DINING HALL - DAY.
David, Joe, Ashley, Mia, and Kelsey are sitting at a table, eating dinner. David looks around happily, joyful that he’s found people to spend time with, Mia looks like she’s in her own world, Kelsey looks uneasy, and Ashley looks horrified. Joe, meanwhile, it happily munching down a plate of chicken wings, paying no attention to anything else.
joe
Mmm, honey and barbecue, how are you not disgusting?
Joe munches down more of the wings.
david
So where are all of you —
ashley
No!
david
What?
ashley
I’m sorry, it’s just…we have an empty chair.
david
Oh, you’re right. I’ll just give it to a table that needs it.
David gets up to bring the chair over, when Ashley grabs him.
ashley
You can’t do that!
david
Why not?
ashley
Because look around. Everyone else has six filled seats. If we only have five, it’ll make it look like we’re outcasts. Like we’re not fitting in.
mia
Who cares what other people think? Put the chair back, David.
ashley
No! If you do that, I will…I will leave!
joe
The sauce is so sweet, yet it has a pinch of a tang.
Mia
And go where? All of the other tables are filled, except for that one.
Mia points to a long table where TF - 18, dressed darkly, lonely looking - is sitting.
ashley
Well then…we need another person! I can’t live like this!
kelsey
I don’t think it’s a big deal. I sat alone all of the time in high school, and I turned out…
(beat)
…oh, I get it.
joe
Only one wing left? Time flies when you’re having fun.
david
Guys, why don’t we just ask him to sit with us? He’s all alone.
The group recants - “no!”.
ashley
Do you see him? He’s dressed in all black. There’s no way we’ll make it out of this dinner alive.
mia
Not to mention he probably smells like Hot Topic.
david
Oh come on, guys, that’s very closed-minded.
kelsey
I don’t know, I should be careful about who I’m associating with. I don’t know if my counselor would appreciate me talking to someone possessed by the devil.
joe
I’m going to try to savor this wing.
david
Well, I’m going to ask him.
David walks over to TF.
david
Hey, man! Do you wanna come sit with us?
TF ignores him.
david
Oh, sorry, I guess you didn’t hear me. Did you wanna come sit with us? We have an open seat.
tf
I said no.
david
No you didn’t.
TF glares at him.
david
Come on, it’ll be fun.
tf
Even more reason not to go.
david
Well, okay, if you want to keep sitting here all alone…
tf
I do.
david
All by yourself, just you and your macaroni…
tf
Sounds good.
david
No one there to comfort you…
tf
Thank God.
david
No one by your side…
TF
Good!
david
No one to…
TF
Are you just going to keep going until I come?
david
Probably.
TF sighs, then gets his things. David looks accomplished. The rest of the group looks uneasy as TF takes a seat.
david
Hey, guys, this is…I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name, what is it?
tf
TF.
david
Oh, wow, looks like we’ve got a comedian at our table!
tf
No, that’s really my name.
Everyone looks confused.
ashley
Does it stand for something?
tf
Yes.
There’s an awkward silence as everyone waits for TF to tell them what it stands for. He never does.
joe
Alright, it’s done. My last chicken wing. It’s the end of an era, really.
Joe finishes his wing, then looks over at TF.
joe
Wait…what?
david
This is TF, Joe. He decided to join us. Anyway, I figure we’d start with a few icebreakers to get to know each other. Let’s all go around and say where we’re from. Who wants to start. No one? Okay, TF, you start.
tf
The United States.
david
Oh…uh, okay, well, we know you’re not an international student. Mia?
mia
I’m from Millview, New Jersey. It’s a small town that no one had ever heard of until my portrayl of Peter Pan from the musical Peter Pan won first place in the National High School Theater competition. As did my portrayl of Peter Pan from the musical Ragtime, and Peter Pan from the musical Grease, and Peter Pan from the musical Les Miserables…my school’s costume budget was not great, but they made up for it with their….me.
ashley
Yeah, well, I’m from Baytown High School and I put our town on the map too. I ran a bake sale to benefit tornado victims that was called the “best event to ever take place in town” by a newspaper.
Everyone looks suspicious.
ashley
…In our school paper.
Everyone still looks suspicious.
ashley
…That I wrote.
Everyone nods, no longer looking suspicious.
joe
Wait, Baytown High School? That’s the school I went to.
ashley
Really? Why didn’t I ever see you?
joe
Most people don’t.
david
Well, I guess I’m the only one here who isn’t from New Jersey.
ashley
Oh, Pennslyania?
Everyone groans.
david
No, I’m from Indiana, actually.
kelsey
Indiana?!
mia
That’s so…west.
joe
Do you have a cowboy hat?!
david
Uh, no?
ashley
So wait, if you’re from Indiana, how’d you even hear about us?
joe
Even I’ve never heard of this school.
david
Where I hear about everything. The internet!
ashley
So you just randomly googled Idell University and hoped maybe it existed?
mia
Maybe he was looking for schools with excellent theater departments.
david
No, I just googled colleges on the East Coast. I had a great life at home, but I wanted omething…different. So I looked in other places.
kelsey
Wow, I can’t believe I’m talking to someone from the west coast!
David looks confused.
CUT TO:
ext. idell university - night.
The group is walking out of the student center.
david
Wow, that was a lot of fun, guys! I’m so glad we did this!
mia
int. girls’ dorm - day.
Ashley brings David and Joe into her dorm, where MIA - 18, eccentric-looking but beautiful, is looking in the mirror and belting loudly to Greatest Love of All and KELSEY - 19, messy-looking, is scrounging around through suitcases.
ashley
Hey, look! Look who’s going to participate in my Africa thing! These random guys! Doesn’t that make you guys feel bad?
mia
(belting, paying no attention)
I DECIDED LONG AGO/NEVER TO WALK IN ANYONE’S SHADOWS.
david
Uh, hi, everyone, I’m Dav —
ashley
Tell them, David! Tell them they basically have to do the event now!
kelsey
Is this Tylenol? Yep, we have to get rid of Tylenol.
She throws the Tylenol into the trash.
mia
NO MATTER WHAT THEY TAKE FROM ME/THEY CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITY.
joe
…Are you sure you want to throw that away?
ashley
You know what?
mia
BECAUSE THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL…
Ashley shuts off her music. Mia pays no attention to this.
mia
IS HAPPENING TO MEEE…
ashley
Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, I’m talking!
Kelsey is holding a pill bottle.
kelsey
What is this? Foot fungus? Hmm…yep, this is a goner.
Kelsey tosses the bottle in the trash.
mia
Okay, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to interrupt my performance to finally ask - what are you doing?
kelsey
I’m getting rid of anything that could possibly cause me to relapse from the crippling substance abuse problem I had through-out school. Whoops! Cat’s out of the bag, I was a teenage addict. My name is Kelsey and I used to be an alcoholic!
ashley
Okay, everyone stop, we’re talking about my thing now.
Mia
(ignoring her)
Oh, alright. Back to my performance!
(singing)
IF I FAIL/IF I SUCCEED…
ashley
No!
david
Guys!
Everyone goes right back to what they were doing before. Frustrated, Ashley is about to take a sack of textbooks and throw that at Kelsey and Mia, when David sees this and panics.
david
Guys!
He is ignored. David begins to panic. Joe notices this.
joe
(louder)
Guys!
Everyone stops.
joe
To do that, I pretended I was Alan Alda on MASH.
david
Look, I was thinking, it’s close to dinnertime, why don’t we all head to the dining hall and…well, talk? Get to know each other a little? Work this all out?
Everyone looks at each other.
ashley
Yes. Yes, what he said, I like what he said.
mia
My vocal chords could use some nutrients.
kelsey
Will there be alcohol in the dining hall?
david
Uh…no?
kelsey
Alright, I’ll go.
david
Okay. Uh…let’s…let’s go, then.
Everyone gets up and follows David outside of the room.
INT. RIVERDALE DORMS - DAY.
David and Joe walk out into the dorms and run into ASHLEY - 18, plain but pretty. She is hanging up a poster on a bulletin board.
ashley
Hi guys!
david
Hi, I’m Da —
ashley
Nice to meet you, I’m Ashley! I’m trying to spread awareness for an event I’m holding on campus this week to raise money for the hungry children of Africa.
david
Oh man, what a great cause! Where in Africa?
ashley
Uh…the…west part.
david
Oh…well, uh, sign me up. And you can sign my friend Joe up, too.
joe
Wait, what?
ashley
Thanks, you guys! You guys are my first official “yes”es. The closest I had gotten before was a “go to hells” and two attempted make-outs. I can’t take the stupid spoiled airheads at this school, caring about nothing other than their hair and staying thin. They should stop obsessing over the malnourished rich models in People Magazineand start obsessing over the malnourished poor children in Time Magazine.
david
Well, what about your roommate? She probably said yes, right?
ashley
Don’t even get me started on my roommates.
david
Oh no, why —
ashley
Shh!
david
What?
Ashley shushes David. A backing track to Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” can be heard vaguely playing in the background, with someone singing along to it.
joe
Is that your —
ashley
All day. It never, ever stops.
David and Joe look horrified.
CUT TO:
ext. david’s STREET - day.
David and his mother get into their car and begin driving through the neighborhood. MRS. APPLEBEE, watering her plants, sees them and begins waving.
mrs. APPLEBEE
Goodbye, David! Good luck at college!
david
Bye, Mrs. Applebee! Good luck with your rodent problem!
They drive off as the MAILMAN waves goodbye to David.
mailman
Good luck, David!
david
Thanks, back-up mailman!
They continue to drive through the neighborhood as several other groups, such as school children and senior citizens, wave goodbye to David. They then pass a POLICE OFFICER arresting a CRIMINAL. He stops mid-arrest to wave goodbye at David.
poliCE OFFICER
Bye, David!
david
Goodbye, officer!
criminal
Break a leg, kid!
david
Thanks, repeat offender!
They drive through the town and eventually reach the airport. They get out of the car and Linda begins to help David unpack his bags. Finally, the time has come for them to say goodbye. They hug tightly as he begins to walk away, then slowly turns around.
david
Don’t forget to write, mom!
LINDA
I thought I’d just text you.
david
Oh…uh, right.
David waves goodbye one last time.
CUT TO:
ext. airplane - day.
An establishing of an airplane as David makes the flight from Little River, Indiana to Idell University in New Jersey.
CUT TO:
ext. idell university - day.
David walks through campus, dragging his suitcase with boxes piled on top of it. The sweeping guitar music continues as he looks around at his surroundings. He stops for a moment, taking it all in. A large smiles comes across his face.
david
This is it. I’m…I’m home!
He smiles even wider - until a STUDENT pushes him.
student
What the hell, man? You’re blocking the entire walkway!
The music suddenly stops as David looks behind him and sees a small traffic jam of angry students.
david
Oh…uh…I’m…I’m sorry.
FADE IN:
int. david’s bedroom - day.
DAVID - 18, short and baby-faced, is in his room packing, when his mother, LINDA - 49, pretty and sweet-looking, walks in.
linda
David, honey, are you ready to go?
david
I just need to say goodbye to my room. I’m going to be away from it for so long.
David opens the drawer of his night table and takes out a baby tooth.
david
Look, it’s the first tooth I lost.
linda
Boy, the way it’s decomposed so perfectly really justifies the $200 I put under your pillow for it.
David picks up a ribbon from his side table.
david
Aww, look at this. A participation award from my 8th grade science fair.
linda
Your project was so wonderful, it couldn’t be ranked.
david
Oh, and look, my senior prom pictures!
The camera zooms in on the prom picture. It shows David and his mom posing happily while his date is off to the side, pushed off and slightly angry.
david
I’ve had so many great memories in this room. I remember my very first night in it, when we first moved here, after you told me you were going to get to raise me all by yourself…
LINDA
(interrupting him)
I’m very happy to hear that, sweetie.
david
I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t go to college. Maybe I should just stay here and work my way up at ShopRite. Everyone always says their bread looks best when I’m their bagboy.
LINDA
Absolutely not. You are the brightest kid in this entire town, and I won’t let you waste your life away packing people’s pork chops. You may have had a good life here, but you’re going to go college, you’re going to find people who fall in love with you just as much as everyone here has, and you’re going to have the best four years of your life, until the four years after that.
david
You’re right, Mom. You’re always right!
linda
That’s why they made me a mom!
David laughs far too hard at his mom’s joke. She giggles along with him, until eventually looking slightly confused.
int. dorm room; night
David is alone in his dorm room, moving his stuff in, when JOE - 18, clothes and hair a mess, walks in, much later than he was supposed to.
david
Hi! Are - are you Joe?
joe
Yeah, why?
David looks a little thrown off by his appearance.
david
Well, uh, I’m - I’m your roommate!
joe
Oh, hi.
david
Hi! I’m David.
David extends his hand for a handshake. Joe looks confused and stares at it for a minute. He then lightly bumps his fist into David’s hand and walks off. David looks bewildered. Joe then tries to turn on the TV that David has placed.
david
So, Joe, what kind of music do you —
Joe completely ignores David as he takes out a TV, places it on the desk, and hooks up a DVD player to it. He then opens a suitcase filled with DVDs, takes one out, and pops one in.
joe
Well, that wiped me out.
Joe then collapses onto his bed, totally relaxed. David looks confused as Joe opens his only other suitcase, which is full of snacks and junk food.
david
Are - uh,…are are those your only suitcases?
joe
Yeah, why?
david
You didn’t pack clothes? Or a toothbrush? Or anything needed to survive?
joe
Uh, I think you need food to survive.
Joe takes a bag of M&Ms and shoves them down his throat.
joe
Besides, they give us all of that stuff, don’t they?
david
I’m not sure. They might. I mean, no. No, they definitely don’t. But it’s okay. You can borrow some of my stuff for now.
David looks at Joe, expecting a thank you, but instead gets an awkward silence. David pauses for a moment, trying to think of a way to start a conversation.
david
So where are you from?
joe
Boston.
david
Oh, wow, you’re from Boston? That’s a great place! I mean, I’ve never been there, but I bet it’s great. I love their cream!
joe
What? Oh, no, I’m not from Boston. I’m just…I’m uh, watching Cheers.
david
Oh, I love Cheers!
joe
Really?
david
Yeah, it’s a really good show. I mean, I haven’t seen too much, but it seems really funny.
joe
It is. And it had such great characters, you know? They were all different, but somehow fit together and became one of the best ensembles ever on TV.
david
Wow, that does sound great.
joe
I’ve never met my age who appreciates old sitcoms. I mean, most people had families. I had Nick at Nite.
David and Joe watch the show happily for a few seconds.
joe
Chocolate milk?
david
Uh - sure, okay.
Joe pulls a half gallon of milk and a tube of chocolate syrup out of his suitcase.
david
I mean, um…actually, I think I’m going to go into the lounge, wanna come with me?
joe
But…Cheers isn’t over yet.
david
Well, maybe you can pause it? And then we can watch it later?
Joe contemplates this for a moment.
joe
Alright, I guess I’ll come.
Joe pauses the DVD, grabs his milk and chocolate, and joins David on his way out. He is about to start pouring the chocolate into the milk.
joe
Oh, no. This milk is expired.
Joe throws the milk on the floor, takes the chocolate bottle, and squirts it in his mouth. David looks grossed out, but tries to smile through it.
hi
int. dorm room; night
David is alone in his dorm room, moving his stuff in, when JOE walks in, much later than he was supposed to.
david
Oh, hi! Are you Joe?
joe
Yeah, why?
david
Well, it’s just, uh…I’m…I’m your roommate!
joe
Oh, hi.
david
Hi! I’m David.
David extends his hand for a handshake. Joe looks confused and stares at it for a minute. He then lightly bumps his fist into David’s hand and walks off. David looks bewildered. Joe then tries to turn on the TV that David has placed.
david
So, Joe, what kind of —
(noticing Joe with the TV)
Oh, we don’t have cable yet.
joe
We…we what?
david
They haven’t hooked up the cable yet. I think they’re going to do it later tonight. But it’s okay, we can —
Joe rushes to one of his suitcases and cracks it open. It’s full of DVDs and a DVD player. He then immediately hooks up the DVD player and pops in a DVD.
joe
Well, that wiped me out.
Joe then collapses onto his bed, totally relaxed. David looks slightly confused as Joe opens his only other suitcase, which is full of snacks and junk food.
david
Are those your only suitcases?
joe
Yeah, why?
david
You didn’t pack clothes? Or a toothbrush? Or anything needed to survive?
joe
Uh, I think you need food to survive.
Joe takes a bag of M&Ms and shoves them down his throat.
joe
Besides, they give us all of that stuff, don’t they?
david
I’m not sure. They might. I mean, no. No, they definitely don’t. But it’s okay. You can borrow some of my stuff for now.
Joe gives a half-hearted smile, but is mostly invested in his M&Ms and his TV show.
david
So where are you from?
joe
Boston.
david
Oh, wow, you’re from Boston? That’s a great place! I mean, I’ve never been there, but I bet it’s great. I love their cream!
joe
What? Oh, no, I’m not from Boston. I’m just…I’m uh, watching Cheers.
david
Oh, I love Cheers!
joe
Really? It’s the best sitcom ever, right? The characters on it were just so incredibly devoted to each other, and they all had such great chemistry.
David goes and sits next to Joe. Joe moves away a bit.
david
Yeah, it’s a really good show. I mean, I haven’t seen too much, but it seems really funny.
joe
I’ve never met anyone my age who appreciates old sitcoms. I mean, most people had families. I had Nick at Nite.
David and Joe watch the show happily for a few seconds.
joe
Chocolate milk?
david
Uh - sure, okay.
Joe pulls a half gallon of milk and a tube of chocolate syrup out of his suitcase.
david
I mean, um…actually, I think I’m going to go into the lounge, wanna come with me?
joe
But…Cheers isn’t over yet.
david
It’s a DVD.
Joe contemplates this for a moment.
joe
Alright, I guess I’ll come.
Joe pauses the DVD, grabs his milk and chocolate, and joins David on his way out. He is about to start pouring the chocolate into the milk.
joe
Oh, no. This milk is AAexpired.
Joe throws the milk on the floor, takes the chocolate bottle, and squirts it in his mouth. David looks grossed out, but smiles through it.
coming soon!
